Illustration by Kristan Ley Isaac Martinez

“How Do I Know If I Need To Grieve?”

Have you ever questioned yourself if you have truly healed from a significant loss in your life? The moment you’ve let your eyes lock onto this sentence after reading the title suggests that there are still unanswered questions running through your mind. Well, to answer one of those questions—yes, my dear. Being unaware that you need to grieve is indeed possible. And it’s fine. It’s not that you intentionally do not want to. But because you don’t know how to yet.

Now, take this opportunity to start your healing process right. Let me join you by delving into the depths of your heart by asking yourself: “When was the last time I purposefully stopped and breathed to process my emotions the moment that demise happened in my life?”

As you take your time answering that question, allow me to bring you along my journey to self-actualization.

Starting The Grieving Process With The Acceptance Stage

Everyone, hands out of the corners of the hospital bed! At the count of three! One, two, three—CLEAR!”

No response! Again: one, two, three—CLEAR!”

Still no response, Doc!”

Again: one, two, three—CLEAR”

Time of death: 5 o’clock in the morning. Cause of death: Septic Shock inflicted by Malaria Falciparum.”

The moment I heard those words slip from the senior physician’s mouth, I just knew that I needed to accept the reality of what was in front of me.

The eight infectious disease specialists, who worked together in unity to save my precious father’s life, left the room in stillness to give our family the space we needed. The melancholic silence echoed the four-cornered room of the University of Santo Tomas Hospital—the last place on Earth he had resided in his final days of living.

After a while, still in shock, I felt my feet dragging themselves toward the table where the box of the doctors’ surgical gloves was placed. After I wore the pair in my hands, I went to my papa’s deathbed and touched his face. It felt cold, hard, and hollow. “He’s not here anymore,” I uttered before I slowly went outside the hospital to see the sunrise and breathe some fresh air.

From that moment on: I had wholly accepted that December 5, 2019, was a day of solemn farewell yet a start to a new beginning. A life without my backbone. A life without my dad.

Carrying that memory in my head to this day—I genuinely thought that I was already fully recovered from the pain of the past. It seems like fate brought me to this moment: to be able to open myself to the knowledge that I haven’t acknowledged my need to undergo the genuine process of grieving.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defined ‘grief’ as a deep and poignant distress resulting from an unfortunate outcome. The latter comes in many forms such as the death of a loved one or a beloved pet. This could also be a result of a sudden loss of something you’re used to having in your life.

Grief is a universal experience, with distinct origins and effects on each individual. The shared process of grieving unfolds consciously and unconsciously, aligning with our inherent instinct for survival.

Renowned psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, in her wisdom, wrote in her book “On Death and Dying,” that grief could be divided into five stages. Since coping up with grief takes many forms, people have the liberty to undergo all or a few of these stages in no particular order:

  • Denial: In this stage, individuals may struggle to accept the reality of their loss. They may deny or minimize the severity of the situation, refusing to acknowledge the truth.

  • Anger: As the reality of the loss sets in, individuals may experience intense feelings of anger and resentment. This anger may be directed towards themselves, others, or even the situation itself.

  • Bargaining: In this stage, individuals may attempt to negotiate with a higher power or make detot to reverse or mitigate the loss. They may cling to hope and seek ways to regain control over the situation.

  • Depression: As the full impact of the loss becomes apparent, individuals may experience profound feelings of sadness, loneliness, and despair. This stage may involve withdrawing from others and experiencing a sense of hopelessness.

  • Acceptance: In the final stage, individuals come to terms with the reality of their loss. They may find a sense of peace and understanding, allowing them to move forward with their lives while still honoring the memory of what has been lost.

We have now come to understand that grief doesn’t necessarily need to start from the pouring of tears. Some tend to be numb at first, unconsciously suppressing their emotions due to the overwhelming feeling of despair from the loss. There are a few who spark the process with rage and disbelief. It may also start with acceptance, as what happened with mine.

With these in mind, below are tips acquired from my healing journey that can encourage you to continue persevering in your own healing:

Acknowledge what you feel: You are supposed to feel things–even pain and regret.

And that’s all right. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s not morally wrong to feel negative emotions. They are part of the human experience.

Give yourself time: May we cover our ears to the external pressure of the world in following a stereotypical timeline in healing. No matter the depth of the wound, each of us deserve to be generous in giving ourselves time to process our feelings.

Have grace with yourself: Healing with grief is not linear. For a few days, you may feel the sun shine again in your life. For most days, you sink back again into the dark dungeons of depression. For some days you may feel apathetic. Be reminded that you are still a human being. We all have to recover from our deepest wounds no matter how thick our skins are or how strong we are perceived to be.

Seek medical help: Seeking professional support from a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist facilitates the exploration of your emotions with the guidance of a trained professional. Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, and mental health professionals are here to support you on your path to healing.

Remember that small steps are still results: As written in the book Atomic Habits—1% change is still a change. Be assured that all these hardships matter and have a good effect on your future. Your pain is not of waste.

Believe that He is faithful to be with you along the process: If you are a Christian like me, I want to encourage and remind you that He will never leave us nor forsake us in times of temptations and trials. These He may allow due to the inevitable consequences of The Fall, yet our God is faithful in His promise to provide us peace that transcends all understanding. This we could ask Him by coming as we are to His presence, letting Him join us in the pouring of our tears. Surely, there is no anger, resentment, doubt, melancholy, and despair that He cannot handle.

As you now start to validate your need for grief, always be filled with the hope and joy of “new beginnings.” With this, it is now your time to heal a part of society by paying forward all you’ve gained from this article to your loved ones.

Resources:

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying.

Leila Lacerna
Author: Leila Lacerna